Living with ANXIETY

Hey Guys

I'm sorry this is my second serious post in a row but i promise that after this it will get back to normal.

A big problem with Anxiety these days is that it's not really considered a big deal or a real disorder because there is a lot of people that over use this term, that don't even have it, making us who have Anxiety seem like hypercondriacs.

To make this easier with everyone i'll put it into dot points so it's seems a lot clearer and it makes more sense.

(Everything i am saying is from my personal experiences. Everyone is different and it will be different for anyone)

(General Anxiety)

1: When I feel like I am going to be having an anxiety attack my chest feels tight, as if i am struggling for breath

2: I will go really quiet and will want everything around me to be silent. If someone talks to me it will feel like I am being yelled at no matter what your tone of voice is.

3: When I am actually having an attack I will burst out into tears and have a very hard time to breath because I have focus on getting myself together but I also have to focus on controlling my breathing. I basically have too much to focus on in that moment.

4: I tend to jump to conclusions. If someone says something a little mean about me as a joke I will just assume they hate me.

5: I feel that I am not good enough for people because I think that i annoy everyone and i'm always worried i'll say the wrong thing

6: No one really understands how it feels unless you actually have anxiety. I would not wish it upon my worst enemy. If someone says to me "I know how you feel" but they've never had Anxiety, it just makes me so mad because they actually don't understand (Just putting that point out there)

(Social Anxiety)

1: I love to go out with my friends. But before it is time to leave the house I just want to crawl into bed because I feel so sick i could throw up 

2: When I go to pay for something I am constantly counting in line if I have the right amount of money and I always have it in hand to pay straight away because I don't want to take up too much time.

3: I hate eating in front of people. I remember one time I went out go see Frozen with a bunch of friends and before the movie started we went to get lunch. While they were all gonna get something one of them asked me what I was getting and I just told him I wasn't hungry, well then one of them had bought me a drink (but it was nice that he did that). I just sat there with it sitting in front of me and I didn't drink it till we started walking so i could walk at the back of them so no one could see me.

4: If a group near me is laughing I just assume they're laughing at me. I know I haven't done anything or that I don't even know them I just think they're laughing at me.

I'm gonna stop myself there because this is getting a bit long.

(I have one friend that knows when I am having Anxiety and she handles it so well. I'm sorry that i've never said it before but I just want to tell you that I am so thankful to have you as my best friend and I thank you for the amount of times you have helped me in so many different situations and always being there for me. I fell like i haven't done as much for you as you've done for me so if there is anything you want just ask. You have no idea the impact you have made on my life. You have made me such a happier and jokey person. I'm glad that you came into my life and I hope we can be friends forever)

Thanks for reading

Bye

Existential Crisis...?

All seriousness now...

So i think i am having an existential crisis.

Sometimes i'll go through a stage where I have really deep thoughts that are quite scary.

The reason I think I am having one is for a number of reasons.

1: I become aware of other people's existence.

2: I and everyone else is gonna die one day.

3: There are going to be millions of years more after we die and it's going to be like nothing to us because we'll just be living in a black abyss of nothingness.

 4: Whenever someone brings up the subject of death I (for some reason) become feeling really uncomfortable or just feel like crying.

5: I realise that life is short (even though we can live up to 100 years old these days) and i don't want to waste anytime, i want to go on adventures and do crazy shit before it's too late.

6: I'm more aware of how fragile life actually is. I could be walking down the street and a freak accident could happen and i die.

7: Along with that i've become more aware of the side effects of drugs, alcohol and other things that go along with that and could damage so much of you later on in life, like you could potentially become brain dead or something.

8: When people say they hate life and they want to die, I feel obliged to give an inspirational speech on how much life matters and there's so much to happen in life.

9: Us as a planet are not even the size as a spec of dust in our universe and if the world were to blow up it really wouldn't effect anything. I'm basically an object that takes up empty space that is needed to be filled.

I mentioned something to my mum about this and she said 

"you're 15, you are not having an existential crisis" 

But i'm not sure if it's just a phase i'm going through or if it is normal to have these thoughts. 

To be completely honest the first time i started thinking about death and the abyss of nothingness was when I was nine years old. Every night for a month i'd get out of bed at 12:00 at night and run to my mum crying because i was scared of dying and since then it's been on and off and will just come at any random moment.

So if you know anything about this (if anyone see's this) or are maybe going through the same thing could you please tell me some information or anything please?

Thank you 

Bye

Worrying about life?

Hey Mackenzie

I know i've probably got your life already sorted out and everything but right now i'm kind of stressing.

I'm gonna be 16 soon and i don't have a job, i mean, is that bad? Mum won't let me get one because i already have enough trouble keeping up with school work and homework and other things but how will i save up money for later on? What about when it comes time for me wanting to travel, i won't have money. But i'm sure it'll get all figured out later but what if it doesn't?

For some odd reason i've been looking at jobs at Buzzfeed. There's a few good ones that i might be interested in in the future but i need a lot of skill. For example Associate Photo Editor, I need 3-4 years experience in it! Jesus like i don't know when it comes to experience in Jobs it just takes so long to do, i get the point of it but i don't know. I would be interested in working at Buzzfeed.

I've come to terms with boys as well. Although i have no experience with them...

It's good to have a boyfriend but do we really need them when it comes to later on in life?

Sure if you want to have kids then you'll need a husband for that but there's so much in this world that I want to see and i'm scared that maybe a boyfriend would hold me back from that. When i'm in my early 20's i don't want to settle down and have kids yet, i'd still be so young and have so much to live for like travel around the world, try new things focus on what i want for myself. When i'm a little older i'll settle down and have kids.

But when my kids leave home and learn to have a life of their own i want to get back out into the world, i never want to loose my youth. I may not be as young as i used to be but i'm still doing something with my life.

I don't want to die with any regrets because that would just mean i've died sad, i'd rather die young and accomplished everything in life rather than living a long life without doing anything i wanted to do.

But with that being said i do want to live a long life but have done everything i wanted to do.

Maybe i should just stop worrying and just go with the flow and see where life takes me. Anyway i am only 15, what do i know about life when i've hardly experienced it?

Thanks for taking your time to read this.